Transcending the Victim Mindset: A Path to Thriving

Our encounters with adversity are inevitable. They vary in intensity and severity and can profoundly shake us. I approach this topic as someone who once saw themselves as a victim, but now takes life by the reins. I'm not always balanced. In fact, I can often be far from it, but I've learned that perpetual balance is a fallacy. It's not about staying in the middle and ignoring the extremes. Instead, it's about understanding the wisdom found in each of these extremes, spending time with them, and then returning to the center with care and discernment.

Perhaps in the past, I've gone 100mph or more on my Harley Davidson. It's a risky thing to do, considering how aloof Colorado drivers are. However, I may have done so because it matched an intensity of experience I've had before, where if one thing goes wrong, that could be my end. The need present within that action may not be to replicate it, but instead to confide in someone, "This near-death experience happened to me, and I need your support in healing from it. "Keeping it to myself often compels me to take risks that I don't want to partake in. What I’ve done here is learned from an extreme and sought out support so that I no longer had to be a victim to a trauma response that encoded me to behave in a self-harming way.

I've navigated harsh military environments where human kindness was often absent, and I was viewed as property of the U.S. government. There was little regard for my humanity during these periods. I've faced crises, both personal and shared. The intent of this writing is not to downplay the undeniable presence of suffering in our world, but to suggest a vision. In this vision, I offer that we can use the intensity of our challenges to drive us towards greater understanding and mutual support in our relationships.

The victim mindset refers to a state where individuals view themselves mainly as victims of their circumstances or others' actions, often feeling powerless and stuck. Undeniably, we encounter grief, pain, loss, and feelings of injustice in life. These experiences are worth acknowledging and healing. However, it's important to remember that we are more than our experiences. There’s something central to us seeking to be realized in this short span of time we call life.

Our society has adopted an ideological perspective that views reality in terms of oppressors and the oppressed. We're encouraged to scrutinize everything for signs of oppression, deconstruct it into its underlying components, and maintain a continuous state of dissatisfaction. We as a collective are participating in what psychology calls "confirmation bias.” We are only seeking out information that supports this idea of oppression.

From a nervous system perspective, this is ludicrous and harmful. The thoughts and content we affirm in our minds translate into our physiological and sensory experiences (somatics). The oppressor and oppressed dichotomy and frame of thinking attempts to spit on the human spirit. I won’t allow it. Not in my personal or professional life.

I propose that we instead adopt a growth-mindset and seek out meaning as well as responsibility and orient ourselves towards a vision of good that we can strive for in our lives. This way, moments of trauma and adversity will have a foundation to rest upon and heal. Seeking out these elements mobilizes our nervous systems differently compared to seeking out oppression.

We know from the scientific literature that the body and nervous system are constantly seeking homeostasis or balance. That's our birthright. We are given a vehicle in this life that self-repairs when supportive relationships, community, and connection are present. And sometimes we can even achieve this type of repair in moments of isolation.

We also know that what we imagine induces emotions and alters our physiology (Min, Chung, & Min, 2005). I ask you in this moment to experiment by imagining each of the life orientations I have highlighted in this writing and notice the various bodily sensations and mental states each line of considerations prompts within you. What is more freeing? Which one feels life-giving?

I want it to be clear that things happen to us outside of our control all of the time, but I believe we owe it to ourselves to find personal agency in even the direst of circumstances, and that we locate ourselves within a vision of our most realized self both individually and communally.

To my community of friends, family, and clients: You have my devoted support in realizing your strength and courage to be the prime mover of your life. I acknowledge your hurt, pain, and trauma when it is present, and I will sit with you through all of it and collaborate with you to heal and find your way back toward the peace and thriving that is you.